There is an allegory that has been shared among the cancer community about a mountain lion written by cancer survivor Caitlin Feeley1. The premise is that finding out you have cancer is like finding a mountain lion in your refrigerator. The story explains to those who haven't had the experience, what it is like to battle cancer—first the unexpected news and ending with the lifetime of worry that the cancer/mountain lion will return.
It rings true to me, and I hope it gives some insight to those who live with and support us cancer warriors. But I think it misses out on one of the most important facets of my experience, my relationship with God. In the story, the survivor does most of the work of running up the hill. The support of family and friends are appreciated, but in the end it is you versus the lion. For the complete picture, though, I needed to add in the role of God in my cancer fight.
Christians know that they may also depend on God in our race up the mountain. He will renew our strength so we can run and not be weary, and when we can only walk we will not faint2. Folks in difficult situations often say that they depend on God to get them through. I felt the same, but the big lesson of the experience for me was that I cannot do it by myself. It is easy to say “I am leaving it to God”, but it is difficult not to still try to do it through your own strength, wisdom, or perseverance. But my cancer experience proved to me that nothing but Jesus could help me. When I was running up the mountain, sometimes I didn't have the strength to get to my feet or the will to endure my discomfort. I am embarrassed by my lack of faith, but only after experiencing terrible pain did I remember to depend on Him. I forgot that God has gone before me up the mountain and he will follow behind me3. When I was at my lowest, when I was face-down in one of the thorniest couloirs on the mountain, I would remember that I didn't have to do it alone. I gave my fight and my distress to Him, and immediately it was like He was there driving me in a souped-up 4x4 monster truck past the roughest parts of the mountain.
The best paper cups and oranges I
received were the prayers of my friends and family. In general I was
buoyed by the knowledge that I was being prayed for and the
reassurance of shared devotionals, but there also were times when I
felt I couldn’t bear any more and prayer was applied acutely. There
is no doubt that those prayers brought me immediate relief4.
And then there is the bear. Cancer treatment comes in very many forms and even the mild ones become tough when combined with uncertainty and continually changing timelines. My bear-fight during radiation treatment was just a daily 5-minute spar, but it was one-on-one. I was strapped down with a form-fitted immobilization mask, fastening me to the table from my chest to the top of my head. It sometimes took 20 minutes to get it arranged so I could breathe during the radiation treatment. Every bout added to my swelling and made the process harder and more stressful. The five minutes seemed more like thirty. Eventually my schedule consisted only of getting ready for treatment, getting treatment, and recovering from treatment.
I learned to lean on God5. I would pray before and after each treatment, asking for good results and easy sessions, grateful for peace and for support. And when I was alone (just God, the bear, and me) I would choose from the few bits of scripture I had memorized and dissect them in Luther's style, each time trying to expand my understanding of each word and phrase. The fear and strain fell away. It didn't tame the bear, but it allowed me to complete the number of treatments the doctors hoped for.
I was surprised by a verse that I believe the Spirit gave me when I was at the beginning of my struggle: “O Death, where is thy sting?6” At first I was confused by such a seemingly gloomy bible passage, but I realized that it really is a verse about happiness and joy. Because God gave his only Son so I know that even if the mountain lion wins, that only counts as victory for me. As long as I confess that Jesus is Lord and believe that God raised him from the dead, I don’t need to fear what will happen next.
So if you want to know what it's like to get a cancer diagnosis, read about the mountain lion in your fridge. But remember that God is greater than the lion and the bear and will be with you each step of the way.